gee... Thanks?

there's but a handful of people who choose to read this journal... and, as hard as it is to write, it's probably worse to read. but, like they tell me, "you write what you know", so it isn't always a bed of roses... even if it's extremely personal, you think way too much, and are prone to excesses of moods.

there are, in fact, other observations, insights and experiences to relate... but i have to acknowledge that 2008 has been one unkind motherfucker. and i'm ready to put it to bed... earlier than December 31st, too.

the dark side:

sucker punch #1: nearly losing my job to the whims of corporatism... not because of performance, or work ethic, but because the title that was foisted upon me was considered "expendable". no compensation. no humanity. self-respect goes out the window.

#2: receiving by phone and mail, the broken contract for the property sale. my too-good-to-be-true ticket out of the Rut, a wisp of smoke.

#3: at my darkest moment, letting someone i love slip from my fingers... probably my biggest mistake, ever.

#4: watching my mom, my last living relative, slip into unconsciousness over the course of two weeks, her last intelligible words, "I hope you rot in Hell!" then, she was gone.

those are just the big things.

but, whether it's been Irony, a Test, the whims of Nature or some Plan carried out fiendishly, i'm still standing. and i ain't backing down, either.

so... that's the last time any of those things cloud the landscape. because, in the end, i'm pretty damned lucky. i can still breathe, walk, talk and dream. my feet are warm.  i can still wield a camera, pick up a pen or brush, pay my bills (and someone else's), play music and pontificate on the radio, and see a way forward.

i can say that i got off of my ass and made a small difference in how the Country progresses.

as awful and final as having a loved one pass away, i can take confidence that i didn't let them go there alone in their worst moments, and when the end was near... regardless of the sacrifice to someone else i cared for as much, if not more. but, as you survive, and your self-respect re-emerges, there's never "never".

and getting back to #1... i'm the last person standing on the night shift at work. from "nothing" to "only". that's a pretty big difference. it doesn't make me any more loyal to the cause, but it reminds me that i can pick myself back up when shit hits the fan.
and, oh yes... i will say "fuck you" to those powers-that-be when the time comes.

lots more people have less than i do, and still have reason to be thankful. "when the rain falls, it don't fall on one man's house", i've learned. even when everything turns to shit, there's still a thread to grab hold of, to pull yourself up with... if you're willing to look for it. i think that thread is called "Hope".

lucky for me, i saw it, remembered it... caught hold of it.

i'm not letting it go, either.

that's why i'm thankful, today.
and, i'm thankful that those few who read this still choose to do so... because i think you know all about that "thread" of Hope, too.